Riding the Rollercoaster – Not Sure How I’m Feeling #53


With four days to go until I start Radiotherapy I can honestly say that I am not sure how I am feeling about it.

It’s got to be done, that’s unequivocal & I have no doubt that the team at Springfield Cancer Centre will absolutely do their very best to minimise any risk or harm to me, as they do for everyone who passes through their doors…

During a conversation the other day Himself told me that he was worried that I really needed to have this treatment. I totally understand his reservations. Living in a country where GPs are incentivised to get people to take a range of medications as part of a preventative approach, regardless of the impact which they have on individuals it’s not surprising that worries arise.

currentI have spoken myself in  previous #s in terms of “belt & braces” & now have to ask myself exactly what I think this means. The Cambridge Dictionary defines the meaning of the term as the use of two or more actions in order to be extra careful about something, although only one is really necessary . So do I really need to have the radiotherapy?

Honestly, I am not entirely clear.

If I was in my professional capacity, then I would be making every effort to establish what the current evidence was in relation to further treatment for this stage of endometrial cancer. I would be leaving no stone unturned in my efforts to ensure that the patient had all the information which they needed before they committed or declined to what was on offer.

So why can’t I do it for me?

Big Yin

The most uncomplicated answer to this question is that I am not prepared to run the risk of not going ahead with Radiotherapy. I am comparatively young at 54 (although I realise that for the very young this seems like decrepit senility) & I am not done with life yet if I can help it!

I want to see how things work out for the people in my life who matter to me the most. My tiny Great Nieces & their mum & dad, to see Justice done for our much missed nephew, whether or not my “default nieces” turn out they way I think they will. My oldest best friend finally getting the opportunity to have her own time in the Sun would be fabulous & Ice-cream Sundae & her family overcome their bad run & make it through to calmer waters which they truly deserve; and so many more people too numerous to mention here really.

I want to return to the USA with Himself & catch up with the friends I made during my Scholarship visit & just spend time hanging out, seeing how they live & hopefully do a lot of laughing in to the bargain.

I still have things which I want to accomplish in my professional life. I may have to resign myself to the fact that I won’t be able to put the NHS to rights or vanquish the repellent self aggrandising politicians who seem set to turn us into a nation of Proles, but I still intend to do my bit to try & make a difference in the time I have left.

The list goes on!! But then I suspect do those of so many others in a similar situation to mine.

And so, I have no choice but to embrace this next Rollercoaster Ride, no matter how scary it is, no matter how cold & wet I may get, because life still really matters to me!


So finding myself in the position of having to decide about whether or not to go for the Belt & Braces Option, I opted not to go in to work mode. Instead I have taken a deep breath & thought about what still matters to me.

If (& I really hope it never does) something similar happens to you or someone you love, the best questions I can offer you to consider are these:

Can a way be found with help & support, to go through the treatment & any long term consequences it may have?

Why do I want to give myself the best chance possible?

Love Holly xx




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